Children of the Self-Absorbed

This book grew out of my search for understanding of my reactions to a colleague who aroused considerable frustration and anguish in practically everyone this person encountered. However, none of us talked to each other about it and I continued to engage in much self-examination, looking for my unresolved issues that could be making me react so strongly to this person. Nothing I could think of seemed to fit, so I continued to try to dissolve my resistance and defenses, all to no avail. A meeting with colleagues started me on a more fruitful path. The meeting was on a professional concern, but I happened to make a comment that I went home and took two headache pills after a recent conversation with the distressing colleague. I was surprised to hear from every person at the meeting (about ten people) that they, too, had headaches or stomachaches every time they interacted with the person. Although we didn’t spend much time recounting our reactions and experiences, I realized that part of the problem was the other person. That realization sent me to the literature, and what emerged was the description for the destructive narcissistic pattern. Everything fit, including the personal reactions I’d had with the colleague. Researching causes and development of the destructive narcissistic pattern (DNP) led me to reflect about the effects on a child when either one or both parents had the pattern. As I continued to explore the research, I began to better understand some of my personal experiences and those that many of my students and clients had reported. Many of their adult reactions, behaviors, and attitudes could be a result of having one or more parents who had a destructive narcissistic pattern. Out of these realizations and experiences emerged this book. But understanding was not enough. If what I’d learned was to truly be helpful, I needed to find a way not only to explain the destructive narcissistic pattern in ways that would be easy to understand, but to provide some personal growth strategies as well. What I wanted to do was to give people some resources for providing themselves with the parenting they needed but did not receive. This was my challenge and what follows is my attempt to provide some understanding and guidance.